Today I turned something down…again. It almost feels like I’m a pro at quitting. Walking away is a skill of mine I guess. But you know what? It sucks.
I find myself questioning: am I turning stuff down out of fear? Pride? Irritation? I would be lying to say that I could say no to all of these. Yes is the correct answer-but only partially. I do experience these emotions when I let go of certain things, but then I get out of my feelings and I pray.
Sometimes walking away is the only option. Letting go is a godly action…if it’s rooted in Christ.
I’m scared. What am I really to do? Did I do the right thing? Am I making the right choices? Will I ever grow up if I feel like I keep walking away from things that might help me grow? But would it have been what I needed or what I wanted?
When I reflect on it, I’m sure my hope was in my dreams, my visions, my plans. Yes, growth would have come but I can grow now. Where I am, doing what I’m doing now. Because truth is, I haven’t mastered that yet.
I keep wondering when I’m going to get past this stage in life. It’s frustrating. I feel restless majority of the time. I want more. But I have enough…that I can’t properly manage. So I let go…And I’ll let go again, again and again. Whatever it takes for me to get the point I guess.
I keep trying to add more to finally measure up to this standard I’ve had of myself and the idea others had of me. No matter how honest I am, I still deal with wanting to finally have a testimony that proves my story.
No one wants to hear the glory of an almost 30 year old, living at home, in debt, single, over analyzing, loud, overweight, nonchalant yet secretly emotional woman-child. Everyone wants to see the fairy tale. Shoot I want to see it! THAT’S MY DESIRE!
So easily we get caught up in feigning contentment, when all the while we’re dying on the inside because we long for so much and don’t see it happening. Yes. I am discontent. I want to do more, have more, be more. But, right now, in this moment, I’m still me. I’m still the girl the Lord saw fit to: save; place people around me to strengthen me; soften my heart; restore relationships with family & friends; be bold and loud; experience answered prayers and so much more! That’s more than enough!
But I can only imagine why I’m experiencing life this way. Maybe it’s to have that “glory story” most love to see. Who knows, I might be getting prepared for much more and the Lord needs me to be diligent with the least first. But then, maybe it’s never to “get there”. Maybe I’ll always be the one willing to quit. Or always the loud one with issues that I’m “too honest and open” about.
I don’t have the answer, that is to be seen. I can only concern myself with today. Today, I’m still staring at a messy room thinking about all the things I could be doing and things I need to do. First things first: I have to quit again.
Here is my prayer:
Lord, I’m restless, frustrated and confused. I need you. Help me to listen and obey. Help me to trust you and to be content in today. Teach me how to seek you more, how to walk with you daily. I want to learn how not to be so easily distracted. Continue to pour into me your plans, and show me the way. Protect my mind and heart from things and people that are not of you. Help me not to fear and worry. Guide me. Love me. Heal me. I just want to learn how to be completely in love with you- and finding peace being your servant. In Jesus name, Amen.
So, I just need to keep walking by faith…wherever he leads.