An Epilogue of My Early Years…
My mother always told me who I was. She said, “Faithe, you are God’s child. Never forget that he named you while you were still in my womb…’Call her Faithe Elizabeth because she will be my servant’. You are faithfully consecrated to God baby, don’t forget that.” My mother once told me that since Satan could no longer kill me physically, his full intent was to kill my spirit…and he was winning.
Throughout elementary and middle school I battled with self esteem issues because I thought I was fat, wore glasses, had crooked teeth and short toes. Not to mention that my family was not in the best situation financially. Why was I God’s servant? If I was, why wasn’t I pretty like everyone else? Why didn’t I have normal toes, or straight teeth? Why was I bigger than everyone else? Why is my family struggling? God, if you’re so great, why isn’t my life better than this???
I could name 1,000 plus things I wished were different about my family and myself. I was never satisfied with life the way it was. I wanted more. Always longing for more. I just wanted to be normal, to be accepted, to fit in…and maybe to even be liked by everyone. Everyone but God.
I knew I believed in God, but he just wasn’t able to give me what I wanted, so why bother asking? Everything I desired was physical, tangible and who was this God that I couldn’t see, couldn’t hear and couldn’t touch? How could he handle my issues when apparently he created them? I remember reading Sophie’s World in 6th grade (or 7th?? I think), and the philosophical questions (the first asking, “Who are you?”, the second asking, “Where does the world come from?”) boggled my mind. I knew not who I was or where the world came from! This left me troubled.
I knew only what my parents and church told me. That God created the world and that I was his child. But who was I??? And who was God???
In the book, one philosopher, Berkeley suggested that perhaps our entire lives were inside the mind of God. Basically stating that we weren’t really living, but imagined beings created for someone’s enjoyment, which was the case for Sophie. That book wrecked my heart, I began to question everything I thought I knew about life, and it all seemed wrong. I wondered if the choices I made were my own will or the will of another…and the latter disgusted me!
What God would will that I go through these things, or be made the way I was? If I had free will I wanted to live my life as I saw fit, not having to explain myself to anyone, because it was my life!
Poor little me…I was so confused with no one to talk to. I felt as if I took my questions to my parents they would be disappointed and if I took it to church they would look at me crazy. So I kept quiet and went with what made more sense to me. Free will…my life…my choice…yeah God you made me…but you don’t own me. Who wants to be a servant anyway???
In hindsight, I have been able to identify a lot of my habits and addictions to my experiences during my middle school years. I was so ripe to learning but had no one to teach me, guide me, correct me as Sophie did. So I created my own path…Even though I didn’t want the reputation I had, it felt like I couldn’t let it go anyway so I might as well embrace it. It was after all what I had chosen and created. I had to accept the consequences of my actions if I were going to make my own decisions.
But regardless of my issues, I still knew who God was and I knew I could never deny him...but I knew I didn’t want him. Not yet…there was still so much more I wanted to do…By age 14, I had already experienced every emotion most women feel when it comes to life: hurt, anger, like, love and hate, etc. I knew what it felt like to be praised, admired, mocked, cheated on, used, betrayed, abused, bullied, etc…
Every situation and feeling just added to the Faithe that was to come; everything was a learning lesson…how NOT to care, and NOT to get caught…or caught up. And if you did get caught up…how to DEAL with it…and move on…
Besides, I’m going to high school…finally getting away from all this drama…
FINDING FAITH(E) 