By the time I had reached spring of 7th grade, about half of the boys in my grade had sucked my breasts and a couple tried to do more. I recall one very persistent guy asking if he could finger me while I was at the water fountain, but I informed him that he wasn’t even touching the right spot as he tried to press on my clitoris. Irritated by his lack of knowledge of the female anatomy, I shifted my body, opened my legs more and moved his hand until he touched it. Then, still unsatisfied by his inability to turn me on, I made him stop because I realized I could do it better.
Eventually, I got another “boyfriend” and again because I was “loyal” to my “school boo” the hallway, bathroom etc encounters with other boys ceased. My attention was on him, but he was just a time filler. All we did was make out, and I was disappointed. I didn’t even like the way he kissed. He would cover my mouth with his big lips and my cheeks and chin would be wet when we were done. Secretly, I wished he was someone else. But I didn’t want to break up with him because he pursued me and at the time I wanted a boo.
Summer came and we just stopped talking. Again I was bored so I masturbated heavily to kill time in between going to church, church camps and family reunions. At every moment, I was hoping to find someone to fulfill this longing desire I had. Then, I was sent to Ohio with my sister to attend a youth performing arts camp. As soon as we arrived I was on a man hunt, and I found a target. I tried my best to get him to sneak off with me, as they had us staying in Akron University dorm rooms. Nevertheless, my fantasies about him fed the stimulation needed to masturbate more.
Coming back home, I was on an all time high of frustration. I had not been kissed or touched by anyone besides myself all summer! I was nervous to start school again that fall, but ready to go back to my playground. So 8th grade fall semester started off normal. In between deciding to try out to be a cheerleader, I was playing scout while friends had hookups in bathrooms. It wouldn’t be normal if somebody wasn’t doing something sexual. Meanwhile, I was feeling extra lonely…and bored.
Then one day, he approached me. He was cute. Nah, he was fine. He had been fine to me since the 6th grade. He was one of my former “suckers” but we hadn’t done anything since 1st semester 7th grade. But that was because I was involved, now I wasn’t…and I was lonely…and bored. So he asked me to come with him one day after school to the auditorium bathroom. Hey, what did I have to lose? At least I’ll get some type of action, right? Maybe???
So we went to the bathroom and unlike the previous times the year before, he wanted more than boobs. So I let him finger me in the handicap stall. For some reason it was uncomfortable, but I was determined to stick it out even though he was kinda rough with it. I was only kinda into it…but again it was something to do, and I just kept thinking, “but he fine tho”.
After we were finished he asked if we could have sex. I paused and said I wasn’t sure, I needed to think about it. I asked him to give me some time to think and I would let him know. He pressed for a concrete answer, “What about later this week?”. Hesitating I said, “Give me 2 days, cheer-leading practice is canceled for that day so I’ll have time and I’ll let you know then.” So we agreed to meet back in the same spot 2 days later. While leaving the auditorium, I ran into my best male friend in the hallway. When he saw who I was with, he pulled me to the side and asked me, “What are you doing? What were ya’ll doing down there?” I told him smirking, “Nothing, it was just a little finger action.” “That’s it?” “Yep, that’s it, I promise”. I could tell he wasn’t pleased, but what could he do?
So I proceeded to debate the possibility of losing my “virginity” in the next 2 days. This was a big decision, so what did I do? I asked my “girls”. A couple of them were innocent and of course they told me not to do it. But the ones who I “thought” weren’t innocent (well some weren’t but I later found out a couple were perpetrating) told me to do what I wanted to do. Naturally, I followed my ever blossoming curiosity.
On the 2nd day, while still at home I figured I should wear a skirt, that way I wouldn’t have to get naked. I would just take off my panties and pull up my bra, shirt and skirt for easy access. Besides that way I could easily get dressed in case we got caught. I was nervous the entire day so much so that at one point I felt sick. “Do you really want to do this? Yeah, I’m probably not a virgin anyway, might as well experience it for real…You can always back out. Nah, I’m no punk….Ok, then we’re really doing this? Yeah, unless God gives me a a way out cuz I already said I would.”
As I prepared myself to go meet him in the auditorium, I said bye to a couple of my friends who knew what was happening, secretly wishing they would stop me. When I got there and saw him, my heart sank because I knew this was really about to happen. I remember now something occurring that was my open door out, but I chose to ignore it as I followed him into the back bathroom. I was so nervous…
We didn’t kiss... and he didn’t play with me or finger me…that’s how I remember it. No foreplay, just straight to it like we had to rush before we got caught. He sat on the toilet in the stall and instructed me to sit on his erect penis. O_O. But I did it…and it just would NOT go in!!! And it HURT!!! I chuckled off my nerves and “innocence” by just saying, “I haven’t done this in years”. So he helped me push himself inside. It hurt again so I jumped but bit my lip, relaxed and eased back down.
Probably not satisfied with my lackluster performance riding, he decides it’s time to switch positions…to the bathroom floor. I protested. “Ewww , put my head on the floor??? That is really nasty!!!” “Ok, well put your skirt down on the floor and lay on it.” I obliged. As he re-entered me on the bathroom floor, it still hurt, but not like the first time. I remember thinking, “If it hurts this bad, maybe I am a virgin?”.
As he stroked, I just laid there in silence….thinking…still nervous as heck because, “What if he thinks I suck?Can he tell I don’t know what I’m doing? Is that a noise? Is someone outside the bathroom? I hear footsteps. Oh God, we’re going to get caught! I think I recognize that voice!” So I asked, as my head was being banged into the wall, “Do you hear that? I think someone is out there.” “Nah, it’s probably nothing. Nobody knows we’re in here.” So we kept going, until I freaked out a little while later thinking I heard my name being called over the intercom. So I made him stop.
As I quickly got dressed, I remember he was just quiet. Most likely upset that I had ended it before he had the chance to cum all because I was freaked out. As I went upstairs behind him, I didn’t feel different…and I definitely didn’t feel satisfied…but I had finally done it! I was curious to see if I had the evidence of my new womanhood, so I hurriedly rushed to the front bathroom and pulled down my panties. I was immediately confused and slightly disappointed…I only had 3 small dots that “looked” like blood. And I wondered, “Is this it??? Maybe my hymen was already broke, maybe from doing splits? Is this still considered popping the cherry? Was I a virgin before or not!?!?”.
Still dealing with my confusion, I went outside to go talk to my friends who I knew wanted the scoop. Surprisingly he headed outside at the same time. As I walked to my friends, he was surrounded by what seemed like the entire football team, and I heard a few say ” Oh yeah, he hit that right, look how she walking.” At that moment, I was mortified and dreadfully embarrassed. But I just kept walking til I got to my friends, who asked me if I heard what had been said. I just shrugged it off like, “Whatever, they’re idiots, did my name get called over the intercom?” “Nah, girl, why?” “Nothing really, I just thought I heard it” “Well??? How was it? Is he big?” “It was aiight, he straight, got a nice size”. I can’t remember if I really ever told them all of what happened.
Thanksgiving was the next week and I was happy get away. But the break ended and when I arrived back to school, I was confronted by a girl at my locker saying, “I heard you let ______, _______ and ______ run a train on you.” “WHAT?!” And she repeated herself. “First of all my business is not your business, 2nd of all I ain’t never messed with _____ or _____ like that.” I was so caught off guard and red faced that I didn’t realize until later that I unknowingly admitted to having messed with dude. But it was too late. After that the rumors kept spreading and so many questions were being asked everyday. One guy in class even placed his hands on my hips and said. “Yeah, you been banging, your hips are wider”. Eventually I got so frustrated with all the questions and lies I just admitted the truth…in my Girls Inc class. I didn’t want to tell any details, I just said it did happen but only with one person.
Then someone asked, “So were you a virgin or not, someone said you said you weren’t?” Again, I felt bare. Trying to avoid too many questions, I told them that I was and a girl said, “So you let _____ take your virginity at school?” ” Yes” ” Did you not know he was with _____?” “Yes, I was aware that they were off and on. but no I didn’t ask what their status was at the time… Ok no more questions. It’s over with now, you know the truth, now drop it.”
But the issue was just getting started. The next day I was approached by said guy’s girlfriend in the hallway. She mentioned that someone said that I admitted to having sex with ____. Again, I didn’t deny it, I just told her that if she heard what she heard then she needed to go talk to her man, and not me. That same day he approached me angrily asking why I was running my mouth, and I exasperatedly explained that I was not going to have people making me look like a slut when I only had sex with ONE person. And that if he hadn’t told the whole football team, then the rumors wouldn’t have begun in the first place. We left still angry at each other…I was hoping the issue was dead…
…it wasn’t. Minutes later, my cheer-leading coach comes to me and pulls me outside. Then she tells me that said girl told her that I had sex with her boyfriend. I was PISSED. But I was so broken, I just nodded and said “Yes, I did”. She then asked if it indeed had occurred on school property like they were saying, again I nodded. I don’t remember what else was said, but needless to say I got a lecture that just added to the worthless, depressing feeling I was already experiencing. I went home devastated. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I just sat in my room silent, while my sisters talked, wishing it would all go away.
As I got dressed the next day, sneaking my sister’s spandex dress under some baggy pants and white button up, I was determined to move on…in sexy style. When I got to school, I went in the same front bathroom to take off the pants and reveal the body hugging dress with high split. The day seemed normal…and then I was called to the principal’s office…over the intercom…
…as I got up to walk to the office, my stomach was flipping and I felt sick. I was nervous like, “Oh no, don’t let me be in trouble in this dress! It’s kinda slutty!” So I buttoned my shirt and pulled the dress down as much as possible. I had the gut feeling the worst was about to happen…and it was. The same counselor who saw my 7th grade boob exposure was there, as well as my cheer-leading coach. My heart sank. It was over, they all knew. Again, I admitted to my indiscretion, still hoping that would be it…
…it was far from it… The counselor took me to her office and made me call my parents. As I dialed the number, I finally broke down and cried…did they want me to tell them over the phone??? When my mother answered, I told her that I was in trouble and they needed to come to the school right away for a conference. It felt like hours were passing as I waited for them to arrive. I was sick to my stomach with fear. When they came inside the office room, the counselor asked me to inform them why they were there. So I nervously told them…and I remember my father crying first.
I then listened as the counselor explained what was going to happen as a result of my actions. Because this had occurred on school property I would be suspended for a week and charges would be pressed for statutory rape because we were both underage and not legally allowed to have sex in Georgia. She asked if my parents wanted to press charges as well, they said they would think about it. As I went to my locker to gather my things, I felt like I had been branded again with a scarlet letter.
The entire ride home, my parents were silent. It wasn’t until we arrived home that I was told that I had lost all their trust and they didn’t know how I would get it back. I was grounded, but was surprised they didn’t whoop me. As I sat in my room alone, again I wanted to cry, even tried to make myself cry, but I couldn’t. When my siblings came home from school, my parents made me tell them what had occurred. Then my mother told me that I had to go the doctor to get checked.
My doctor went to my church. My mother had already informed her about everything so she didn’t ask me too may questions. Undressing in front of my mother felt humiliating, maybe because she was awkwardly quiet. I put on my robe and got up on the table as instructed. When the doctor came back in, she tried to comfort me saying the exam would be quick and painless. Guess she could tell I was nervous. But she lied. The pain I felt as she clipped my cervix caused me to almost jump off the table. I started to cry, but it seemed as if these adults were confused as to how a little pap smear could hurt so much when I have already had sex. So I stopped crying. When it was done, I quietly got dressed and we went home.
Then I went to church. The rumor there was that I had been raped…and was possibly pregnant. I was livid with my mother because to me that was the only way people could know. One day I heard her on the phone talking about it and I yelled at her saying, “You talk too much! If you weren’t such a gossip, my business wouldn’t be everywhere! It didn’t help that my cousin told me she had lost respect for me and was disappointed because she looked up to me. In my head, I was like, “Chick! We’re only 6 months apart! Why you looking up to me anyway??!”
By the time my court date came that spring, my parents had decided not to press charges, however, I was nervous because I had no clue if his family would charge me or if the school charges would stick. I dressed as modestly, but attractively as I could. I mean I was about to face him and his family in court, so I still wanted to look good. As I sat in court, I prayed that everything would be fine. I hoped the judge would be nice as I watched him reprimand others. When it was our turn, both families approached our respective tables; as he read the charges, he looked up at me. Then he asked my parents if they wanted to press charges, they declined. He asked the guy’s family, they declined as well. He then said a stern speech, saying that I looked like a well mannered, respectable young lady and he wanted me to promise that he would never see me in his courtroom again. I earnestly promised that and he dismissed the case citing that the school charges could not hold up alone.
My burden was lifted, and for that moment all was right in my world. Then reality hit as I realized I had to go back to school again…back to all the miserable drama of 8th grade…