There is so much going on in my head at one time, I’m not really sure what I should write.
But I’ll start with this disclaimer: I don’t want this blog to be only about my struggle as a Christian. Nor do I want to portray the fairy tale Christian life -where all your desires come to fruition. I just want to tell the truth. No matter how ugly, how cute, how raw, how typical, how selfish, how selfless etc. I want to be free to share ALL of me- the good, the bad AND the ugly.
I don’t care if I use the same words, write long posts, mess up grammatically, etc. I’m here to share the things God has placed on my heart. And the biggest thing is my transparency. Clearly, if you’ve read some of my posts you would think I didn’t have a problem telling my business…oh but little do you know. I contemplate every post; wondering what backlash I will receive and/or temptations. That fear has been a big factor in my absence.
No, every post may not include scripture, but it’s Spirit inspired *I just was probably being too lazy to go and find the perfect verses to prove my point. If that happens (for instance, with this post that I’m writing at 2AM) it’s because I don’t want to lose what i’m trying to say. I don’t want to be scripted. I don’t want to over analyze and edit what I wrote; I might remove something someone needed to read.
What I am going to do is remain focused. I have to remember why I started this blog. It was to be my journal. A way to hold myself accountable…not to you, but to God. I can’t do that in secret. People advise me to keep certain things to myself, yet I have no peace with that. How can one really be authentic if they choose to remain silent out of fear? I trust that the Lord will silence me, because He’s done that and is still doing that. His silence comes with no fear.
2014 was full of hardships and tests for me that I didn’t write one word about. Nope, I just shut down, especially after my salvation came into question. THAT was the straw that broke this camels back.
It made me wonder, am I supposed to look a certain way as a Christian? Meaning, am I supposed to dress a certain way, talk proper, act demure, and give the best hugs and smiles an aspiring Proverbs 31 woman can? I decided the answer was no. Then I found myself even more irritated and reclusive. I’m not that girl and don’t think I will be. So I took the bondage I thought I had to enter into and placed myself under my own rebellious bondage.
Truth is, I never had to be in bondage anyway, I was FREE. I have been free and I still am. If I am in Christ, I am free to be ME. As he made me, with my personality, style, flair, even my acid reflux lol. I was too concerned about fitting in and then not fitting in that I was stuck; doing nothing. Not trusting that what God had shown me was enough. HE approved of me.
Do I cringe reading some of my stuff now? Yep. And I take that as a good sign. I’m growing! That’s the whole point of this blog: to document my journey so that an UNBELIEVER can see that this life is possible in Christ. It’s the transformation and transparency of a BELIEVER that is the real testimony to how awesome God is. To BELIEVERS: I hope through this blog I can encourage you to shed your mask. Tell the truth, not just of judgement and condemnation, but your freedom in Christ. Go to God and ask him to reveal your heart to you.
I can tell you right now, I’m going to ruffle some feathers in the Christian community. I’m tired of being quiet. This isn’t an attack on anyone. It’s a declaration about me: I’m going to be bold enough to speak and write what the Lord tells me to. But I will also be humble enough to apologize when I am wrong and turn the other cheek when I am wronged. I have no battle to fight; that’s God’s duty. I have a mission, an assignment- to be a light, to be salt and to make disciples.
In order for me to accomplish the things God has placed on my heart, I had to come back on here and write this- I AM SORRY. I’m sorry for conforming. I’m sorry for becoming selfish. I’m sorry for being bitter. I’m sorry for being distant. I’m sorry for stopping. I’m sorry for having an ego…and so much more. I don’t want to think about the lives I have missed due to my inactivity: it breaks my heart.
I’m learning to embrace my freedom in Christ. There’s no formula to this life. My convictions may not be yours, you might need to keep things personal between you and trusted companions. You might just be called to minister at your church or in your home. The Lord is the one who gives the direction, but we all have a choice: do you obey or disobey?
It’s my choice to give him all or not. It’s my choice to obey or not. It’s my choice to ask him before I make decisions or not. I choose now to say yes to that and more. If I fall, I’ll choose to repent…but my goal isn’t to keep falling. I’m praying I can learn the lesson and move on to the next one.
So honestly, you can comment or not. Like or not. Share or not. It’s not for your approval but it’s me being obedient. I was told to write. So let freedom reign!