Guess it’s time I told the truth about what I’ve been going through. It’s past midnight and I’m feeling some type of way. I scroll through my phone and I realize there is no one I can call…not anymore. I sigh in further frustration, then it hits me. I do have someone I can call. He’s faithful, reliable and has never not come through for me in a clutch. Yeah, He will definitely make me feel good. It won’t last, but at least for a temporary moment I can get what I need.
Sometimes he gets on my nerves; actually most of the time. It’s like he is always trying to change me. He’s always pointing out areas I need to improve in; cleaning up, weight loss, attitude etc. And that’s one of the reasons why I don’t let him come around too often. Nah, he’s the type of lover you only deal with when you have no one else. This one is demanding and I’m just not sure if he’s worth the effort.
Oh and he’s super needy! He always wants to be extra intimate with me! He’s always trying to cuddle, and I’m like, “Why are you all up on me?”, ” I like my space, I’m claustrophobic”. Shoot he’s lucky I even let him spend the night. Usually after my fix, I send others packing. Sometimes I wonder why I let him stay? But it is nice feeling his presence in the morning… I wonder if, nah… nevermind…I mean, he’s cool though, so I’ll deal with it…for now.
But then he starts asking all these questions, “What do you want?” “Do you trust me?” “What’s your hearts desire?” “Tell me about you.” “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????”, is what I want to scream out in angst. Why does he want to know these things? This is not what I signed up for. All I wanted was some company, not to be placed on an interview. I don’t want you to get to know me better, “I don’t even want to know who you are” is the thought in my head. I’m not emotionally prepared for this.
I don’t ask him any deep questions and I rarely spend any real time with him. We just happen to kick it whenever I’m feeling down. He’s complained to me before about how I treat him, but I just brush it off. He tells me that every time I call him, he is there, but whenever he calls me I am unavailable. He says that I am his #1 and I treat him as #3, #4 and so on. I’m confused. I didn’t ask him to put me first, that was his choice.
Doesn’t he know that I don’t put anybody first but myself! It’s his fault if he mistook our chemistry as a sign that I wanted more. No, I just wanted a companion for that moment, to feel better. I am comfortable around him though. I can be myself and even though he sees my flaws, he accepts me for who I am. I guess that’s why I keep him around. I’m sure he’s just waiting on me to say I want more from him. He’s told me plenty of times that he wants more from me.
But that’s just waaayyy too much pressure. I remember when he told me he loved me, I was like “what???”. I was caught off guard. Again, I didn’t do anything to warrant his love. In fact, if I’m brutally honest: I’m cold, distant and arrogant. Why would someone like him love me? I didn’t want this…but I want it…I can’t make up my mind! I guess I want it but just not from him.I want someone, something else…maybe like My Prince Charming! But until Prince Charming comes, I’ll just settle for him.
Hmmmm…but he’s not a bad catch to be honest. He’s basically perfect and that’s the problem. What does a perfect person want with ole messed up me? Doesn’t he know I’m a whore, a sex addict, a broken vessel, etc? So why doesn’t he treat me like that? That’s all I wanted; to be treated the way I act. If I show that I don’t care, shouldn’t he? But he doesn’t. Instead, He always picks up when I call and he tells me I’m beautiful and loved and all that other sappy crap I’m not used to hearing. But it still feels so good when I’m near him. He makes me feel whole and he’s even seen me cry.
Soon I’ll have to make a decision, either I stop calling him completely (He’s making me extremely emotionally vulnerable…my nose is wide open and that’s NOT how I roll) or I finally break down and let him in…for real. He’s waiting on me…always has been… always will…
WHO IS HE? Well it’s God of course! Such a fool I have been! I’ve been treating Jesus, my real Savior/Prince Charming like my cut buddies from back in the day. How disrespectful I am! It’s come to my attention that while I like God, I don’t love Him. Don’t get me wrong, I def LOVE some things about Him but my heart is still walled up “protecting” myself from everything, mainly Him. It’s hard to fully commit to something you can’t see, touch, hear, smell or taste…
I know I’m not alone. I would dare to say that the majority of people who call themselves Christians are simply just having lust affairs with Jesus. We’re lust junkies itching for the next high with everything centered around our feelings and senses, “Bless me Jesus!, Fill me Lord!” etc… But yet our hearts are not His, not entirely. We’re pretenders, speaking all the right words but knowing only the surface of what it means to truly love Christ.
It’s as simple as this. Jesus says it plainly, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” John 14:15. How many of us fail at this daily, on purpose? I know I do. Why? Because I don’t love Him and I lack the faith to trust Him. So I “like” Him, choosing to be obedient in the things I understand and even worse…I lust after him; taking what I can get, without giving what is required in return.
I wrote this blog on this day because I needed to be real, blunt and transparent: this day makes lonely and stubborn hearts lust for comfort. I pray you repent and go to the One who’s been waiting since BEFORE you were born… if you’re single, LOVEGod. Married, LOVE God. STOP LUSTING!
Luke 10:27 says…”YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND; AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.”
Do we really want to continue to approach God knowing this is the attitude in our hearts:
Your jealousy…can be so over the top. I get so fatigued by these long emotional relationship talks [Sometimes] I’d really much prefer my own company…I never said I can’t live without you… I just said you look good tonight…there’s only one reason I came back
It’s just lust, it doesn’t mean I love you…It doesn’t necessarily mean that I even like you very much Juliana Hatfield – Just Lust
*In my next post, I will dive deeper and examine my fear of love