I’m struggling. Lord I’m struggling. I know this journey is not going to be easy, But I’m trying to figure out when does the “go” switch get turned on? When and how do I kick my life into the next gear? Clearly my “maybe tomorrow turned into today, yesterday and the other day, and there was no change. I still feel stuck. My mind is yet wandering again, and I know its nothing but a distraction, yet I keep allowing my thoughts to float away. But I learned a good lesson the other day. It’s funny how you will allow different people to speak the same message just to get your point across. It started with just having a convo with a friend from high school. I was reminiscing with her and talked about all the things I didn’t do just because of my laziness etc… Draft from November 17, 2012
This was written over a year ago and I never finished writing it. I’m not even certain what the details surrounding this post were. But one thing is clear, I felt like I was stuck and I was. While I was taking notes at church yesterday, a question hit me. Will I still be going through the same things as a Christian forever?
Let me explain, I’ve only officially been saved a little over a year as I first rededicated my life in September 2012 (I’ll share that story another time). During the early stages, I experienced A TON of hiccups that made me want to reevaluate my decision. I was straddling a major fence because there were things I didn’t want to let go of completely. But if anyone asked, yes I was saved because now I felt conviction when I did wrong.
But I say, my real salvation occurred this year in June, around the time I quit my job and got baptized. It was at that point, I started to acknowledge the changes I would have to make in my life and actually MAKE them. There was a real shift in my spirit that pushed me more towards Christ. Not just in my words but in my actions. Yeah, maybe the gears shifted after I received a prophetic word, but regardless, I now had a new sense of peace; a revival of my spirit.
So I pressed on, I made major changes and…I’M STILL STRUGGLING!
Yep. Clearly we can all tell from my posts that I might seem to have a “Woe is me” complex, but oh well it’s the truth. I’m not mad about the struggle (well not all the time lol) but I am frustrated. So it didn’t help to see a post from over a year ago that asked, “…when does the “go” switch get turned on? When and how do I kick my life into the next gear?” -_- -_- -_-
DEJA VU???? Like really??? So you mean to tell me I’m still here??? At this place??? UGH!!!!! Will I always be asking this question feeling like I’m barely making it as a Christian? Will I always deal with financial issues? Will I always deal with people issues? Will I always deal with lust? Then I realize the truth; Yes you will, as long as you still allow these issues be your idol.
But Lord! I don’t want to be this way! I can’t imagine still having these same problems this time next year!!! If I do, then where is the growth? Will I have squandered precious time lamenting over my issues to people instead of pouring out my heart and soul in communion with God?
Don’t misunderstand what I am saying, yes as Christians, I do believe we will ALWAYS have a struggle, because we are still living on Earth; no struggle means death. But I can emphatically say, I don’t want to deal with THESE SAME ISSUES I have now, down the line. At some point in time I would hope that I’ve matured in my relationship with Christ to have conquered a vast amount of my demons.
Just sitting here, while I admit I’m still feeling like I’m waiting on the next gear to be switched, I realize that God already switched my gear from the point I was at last year. I’m still dealing with things, but I’m not the same as I was; internally. I mean, I actually use scripture in my posts now! Isn’t that amazing?
Sometimes we’re expecting a physical change of our environment, when all we should hope for is a HEART change.
But instead we keep our hearts hardened and only soften them for what benefits us and our plan. We continue to hold on to all of the baggage we had when we were unsaved. And we press replay on our past memories, never completely yielding to what God wants. And why not? Because it hurts. Because we’re stubborn. Because we’re lazy…. Whatever the excuse is, the truth is the same: We don’t want to “grow up”.
Can we still call ourselves true Christians if we refuse to mature in Christ? We throw temper tantrums every time things get hard and fall out complaining about our spilled milk, when we should be eating solid food anyway. We hold on to traits from our past lives bringing them into our churches so now unbelievers and believers alike feel like, “I was better off with my old crowd”. We must do better.
How can we raise someone when we’re still babies ourselves? No wonder why we have so many issues, we’re a religion full of pretenders. Whoever made it seem like playing grown-ups was fun lied, it ain’t! Shoot, I wish I could be a kid again, but I can’t! You can’t! We have to grow up! Yes, growing up hurts but there’s no getting around it. Either you do it or you die young.
I’m guilty of this. I hate the idea of growing up, but yet I want the benefits of being an adult. Keep the work, give me the goods. Enough is enough, I’m tired of feeling like this: how do I trust God, do I really have faith, where’s my blessing? I feel as if I deserve some answers. I’ve proven myself faithful…at least like 3 times.
It’s time for me to tackle the responsibilities that come with spiritual growth and to remember, your reward is in heaven. You don’t deserve anything, you didn’t die. No really, your little sacrifice of not doing something you like (that wasn’t good for you anyway) is not the same as death.
So as I blog, I pray that I continue to see the evolution of my own growth spiritually. Not focusing on tangible “things” but filled with faith and trust, rooted so deep in my heart that I will NEVER let it go.
Shift gears in your heart, God is waiting on you. Let’s grow up together aiming not to repeat what we’ve already done.
Life goes on, Come of age
Can’t hold on, Turn the page…
~ The Offspring “Can’t Repeat”
1 Corinthians 3:1-4 1But I, brothers,a could not address you as spiritual people, but as people of the flesh, as infants in Christ. 2I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. And even now you are not yet ready, 3for you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?
Hebrews 5: 11-14 11About this we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing. 12For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, 13for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. 14But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil
Proverbs 26:11 11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit
is a fool who repeats his folly.