Below is a Facebook status I put up after a number of things occurred. I had just received some news that left me seriously disappointed. In addition to being led to leave the boutique I was working with, I was now seeing that something else I had prayed about would not be. But the ironic thing is, I’m ok with that, and here’s why:
Regardless of what I desire, I desire God more. So when things don’t turn out the way I would like them to, hoped they would or even prayed for, I still give God praise. Then I pray again, “Lord, give me your desires, take mine away because apparently mine suck lol”.
Not trying to be funny, but I’m for real! I have no clue what I need! I just have a whole lot of wants, on top of wants, on top of more wants. What I need more than anything I want is to have the heart of God, the mind of God, and the life the glorifies God in EVERYTHING.
So no things didn’t go my way, but I’m not mad at God, I’m hurt that I realize how much I’m still trying to lead my own life, choose my own path, without really trusting God to have my back.
Even now, I still have a hope, wish and prayer that “maybe things will still work out for me the way I want them to”…smh…so I pray harder, louder, desperately pleading, “God, I need you to give me some peace about this, I’m tired of fantasizing about what could be. The truth is it isn’t. Wreck my heart and give me more of you, so I can discern the truth…before I get in too deep with my desires.”
Reality hurts (AND SUCKS) at times, but I’ma keep pressing on because my ultimate desire is to please God…and chase Heaven
~Faithe Dennis https://www.facebook.com/faithedennis
I have a lifetime of mistakes that show prime examples that I cannot make the best decisions for my life without proper guidance. So when I see myself still trying to make things happen, reality sets in…and usually it SUCKS!
TRUTH HURTS!!! And the sad truth is…this is NOT ABOUT ME!
Nope, not at all. No one prepared me for this life, not really. No one prepared me to care about other people, even people I don’t really like! I grew up only concerned about Faithe. “What makes me happy, what I want to do, how I feel…” So in that sense, I chose the roads that I wanted to take because they fulfilled my desires at the time.
But the truth is I can no longer live that way. God requires me to care for others, to let go of me and MY WANTS and do as he says;
36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the great and [b]foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets – Matt 22:36-40
BUT GOD… WHY?!?!? Then I recall John 14:15 states, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” Well, there it is. IF YOU LOVE ME… Then this makes me wonder, “Do I love God, or do I love me?!?!?”.
I have loved Faithe to death. I’ve killed her so many times I’ve lost count. Choosing what I thought best, ignoring others, ignoring God. Yet, when you got saved, you gave you up, so why are you still holding on to her?
What has chasing your desires gotten you??? A lonely, broken, and cold heart; along with mounds of debt, body fat and other bad habits. There’s nothing about my past that I want back, so why can I not let God have total control over my life?
Because the truth is, I still love me more. And that is what hurts the most. But I don’t even know who “ME” is! I’ve been pulled so many directions emotionally by myself that I’ve lost my way; confused at which direction to go. But God is not the author of confusion, no indeed, coming to Christ was the most peaceful and satisfying decision I’ve ever made!
So what do you do when you realize you’re loving yourself more than the one who loved you BEFORE you loved him??? You repent. And repent and repent some more. This will not be the last time you choose you over God, but Lord willing he convicts you so bad that you come running back, living as NOT to do it again.
So God, I’m sorry. I’m broke, broken, lonely, loud, tired, overweight, bored, scared, hungry, angry, depressed, vengeful, envious, deceitful, lustful, greedy, prideful, gaudy, lazy, selfish, and so on…oh yeah, I’m still Faithe. Forgive me Father. I don’t want to be like her anymore, I want to look more like you, because the truth is….I still don’t.
*please understand I don’t aim for perfection, that is impossible no I aim for righteousness, something fully attainable if one is willing to shed their former selves and live as Christ commands. We should love one another not only during the seasons of giving, but everyday, every hour, every second. Why? Because God commands it. Check your hearts…is God really there? Or is it you?