In the most unexpected way, out of the blue, I slipped up and fell down the slippery slope…onto a hard...you know what. And I liked it. I’m not gonna front, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And I willingly did it again. And probably will a few more times. I won’t make any excuses. I was weak, no, I AM weak. Not physically, I only do what I choose to do, but spiritually.
I stopped reading my bible,haven’t been to church, stopped praying as much as I had been, and all my thoughts began to be flooded with sex. Even found myself banging in my dreams. *I could make a lot of money off of my dreams…I digress…
Anyhoo…so yeah, I’m a backslider. I am stubborn. I know there are things I need to change and I have been resisting following through with it. Why is that? Because I’m scared.
Yep, that’s right. I admitted it. Faithe is a big ole scaredy cat. What am I scared of? Oh I’m scared of change, scared of the unknown, scared of failing, scared of success…. The list could go on.
I find it very ironic that a person like me with such an outgoing, free loving personality can be so trapped by fear. But I am. I wasn’t always though. I used to have a plan, goals that I set my mind on and would accomplish them. But I had a series of disappointments that left me broken and raw. The only thing I knew how to do was grow a harder shell, but I never healed.
I’m still that broken teenager inside, she still exists. But I have numbed her so much that I can barely hear her. But she is there, crying out for me to free her. One day I will…
Meanwhile, I feel as this is the first step: my confession; I operate my life based in fear. I will be a bigger fool to continue to do so. If you see me doing it, you have my permission to call me out on it. It will sting a little, but if you said it, I need to hear it.
That’s all I have for now, I need to take some time to update my resume and submit this application for this cool job opportunity. Pray for me, I’m struggling and need strength and direction. Pray that I also get the gig, it could be the next stepping stone for me…on the road to healing.