In the most unexpected way, out of the blue, I slipped up and fell down the slippery slope…onto a hard...you know what. And I liked it. I’m not gonna front, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And I willingly did it again. And probably will a few more times. I won’t make any excuses. I was weak, no, I AM weak. Not physically, I only do what I choose to do, but spiritually.
I stopped reading my bible,haven’t been to church, stopped praying as much as I had been, and all my thoughts began to be flooded with sex. Even found myself banging in my dreams. *I could make a lot of money off of my dreams…I digress…
Anyhoo…so yeah, I’m a backslider. I am stubborn. I know there are things I need to change and I have been resisting following through with it. Why is that? Because I’m scared.
Yep, that’s right. I admitted it. Faithe is a big ole scaredy cat. What am I scared of? Oh I’m scared of change, scared of the unknown, scared of failing, scared of success…. The list could go on.
I find it very ironic that a person like me with such an outgoing, free loving personality can be so trapped by fear. But I am. I wasn’t always though. I used to have a plan, goals that I set my mind on and would accomplish them. But I had a series of disappointments that left me broken and raw. The only thing I knew how to do was grow a harder shell, but I never healed.
I’m still that broken teenager inside, she still exists. But I have numbed her so much that I can barely hear her. But she is there, crying out for me to free her. One day I will…
Meanwhile, I feel as this is the first step: my confession; I operate my life based in fear. I will be a bigger fool to continue to do so. If you see me doing it, you have my permission to call me out on it. It will sting a little, but if you said it, I need to hear it.
That’s all I have for now, I need to take some time to update my resume and submit this application for this cool job opportunity. Pray for me, I’m struggling and need strength and direction. Pray that I also get the gig, it could be the next stepping stone for me…on the road to healing.
One thought on “Ooops I Did It Again…”
We are all held prisoners by our fears, this exercise helps me: Think of a time when you were young and scared to do something, like ride a bike or a rollercoaster. Then think of how it felt when you actually start riding the rollercoaster and it your emotions transitioned from fear to excitement and then fun, and how afterwards you thought to yourself “that wasn’t so bad, I want to do it again”. Apply it to what you are scared of today… Pray for strength and push forward. You can do it hun! LOVE YA!