Give Me the Green Light

What in THEE heck is happening?!?!?  As of right now all I can hear is John Legend serenading me with “Give the green light, give me just one night, I’m ready to go right now…” It’s like as soon as I say I KNOW I don’t need to deal with men right now, they come knocking waiting for me to say “red light…GREEN LIGHT!”

This is the 2nd one this week. I haven’t talked to him in several months and the last time we had sex was in August right before I recommitted to God.  I notified him that we had to cancel our plans for “something special” because I am saved now and would be abstaining from sex. Naturally, that means I won’t be talking to you anymore or hanging with you because clearly we had a sexual relationship with a sprinkle of convos.

I thought I was good. But last night I was a little bummed that I had no one to call to go get dinner or smoke a hookah (yeah I still wanna do that). It made me feel a tad bit lonely. I’m the social butterfly! I’m supposed to have tons of people at my disposal to do things with! I mean I got my “girls”, but honestly I’m tired of the lesbo fest occurring with my social life right now. And that’s only IF I do something. Usually I’m at home solo; reading, thinking, watching TV and in bed by 11:30 (if not earlier).

So when the urge to “hang out” came over me last night I debated doing the good ole “scroll through” on my phone. But I didn’t, instead I called my girl and had a very interesting convo on how she loves drama lol. And since I knew I was still craving testosterone in my ear I called the safest male friend I have. We chatted about his upcoming nuptials, me settling down, me babysitting his daughter etc. *It’s funny how you can live in the same city and not visit see/talk to some of your closest friends…until birthdays, etc…(oh so I guess that’s just me…)*

But anyhoo, something he said brightened my outlook on my situation. He told me that he believes that now that I have a different outlook on life that he’s sure that I could settle down very soon. I forgot that I had said the same thing several months ago. The reason I’ve been single is because I wasn’t ready. I’m not saying I’m ready now, but at least I’m more open to it. But I’m all off on a tangent,

How does this relate to my story? Well, basically the other guy friend is another temptation. And what’s worse is that towards the end of our little fling we started to actually talk. And only then did we realize how much we had in common. But I had to put a wall up to him. I couldn’t let him in and start over thinking because then I would get caught up and want more from him. I felt like I had no regrets in letting him go.

So why did I feel a certain way when he asked if he could call me today? Why did I say yes? Why did I listen to him blab about what drama he had with this chick from trap? Why did I feel a tinge of jealousy when he said he was digging a new girl?  Why did I blush when he reflected on how he wants someone with chemistry like we had? Why did I love the fact that he said my husband will be a very lucky man? Why did I ask if I was still in the picture, if he would still be interested in this new chick?

As he reflected on the night we met and how much fun we had together, I knew I shouldn’t be talking to him but I just kept going. After all he said he needed an ear. And yeah we talked about other stuff, and I made sure to reiterate that I was saved now and didn’t do anything anymore. I also questioned him because he said he was going to stop having sex too, so I was curious to know what happened. Why did he change his mind?

So here I am again, battling my mind. Why do I even want to know this stuff? We just banged. He wasn’t my dude. I wasn’t even really his friend. Not to mention I could have sworn I didn’t even like him like that…or did I? Do I?

I might have tried to fool myself before, because clearly I go more involved with him than I “thought” (how foolish). But regardless of what I may have felt or questioned about him, from these last texts 30mins ago I def know I need to cease all communication.

…”U done with all types of sex”…

Whoa! Where the heck did that come from? Dunno why I was surprised, our whole convo was laced with sexual desire and undertones. I was curious to know if new chick was better than me, what he wanted from me, why he called? Even if I didn’t verbally say I was still attracted to him sexually, it dripped from my words. 

Me: “Yes fool lol”

At this time I’m still tryna keep it light. Don’t want to act offended even though I must admit I kinda am. Possibly to salvage something in the future. That “lol” means so much more than what it looks likes…smh. Boy you sooo funny, can’t believe you tried me like that… I like it but I don’t like it...keep going…

…”Hand jobs too lol”…

O_O…Oops I messed up. But really dude?!?!? you must be super horny right now.  Yeah I’m perturbed now, but then I have to remember I’m the chick that would text saying ” Aunt Flo is here I’m horny, I just want your … in my mouth”. Shoot he just expects that things are the same like they were. He’s only doing what I allowed. I didn’t end it with the 1st inquiry, so now you have to be firm. Lay it all out on the table.

Me: “I don’t do anything sexual anymore, honestly I’m not even hanging with men alone because I know I could wind up doing something, so I stay away.”

…Lol ok…”

Lord, I’m scared because these “temptations” haven’t even been the ones that I thought I really wanted. These were just time fillers; men I dealt with out of boredom or convenience.I’m struggling to say no to these, what will happen if “you know who’s” come back around? 

But I remember what I said, with my mind changing I know there is something real out there for me. This is a dead end street for all randoms. I refuse to give these randoms the green light again and end up with nothing…or worse.

Hopefully, one day my future hubby will see a green light but in the meantime, I’m going to head home. It’s gonna be a solo night again. Think I’ll continue to read Battlefield of the Mind and do my hair.