My Mind is telling me No…But My Body…

…My body is telling me YESSSS!!! I’m not sure if you’ve realized it yet, but I use songs as my titles. I know, duh right. But I do that because, that is what happens in my head 24/7. When I talk, my mind sings the songs that use those words. I say I have an ever spinning jukebox in my head. But anyhoo…I digress.

So yeah, my body wants me to handle a little “problem”. Can you guess what it is?………… 😉 BINGO!

Yeah, I’m struggling with desires of the flesh. I want sex! But it’s crazy because the “sex” i.e. penetration desire just occurred last night; and all it took was a text. But lets press rewind first before I discuss the events of last night.

So approximately 2/3 months ago, after I initially gave up sex completely, I started having the urge to masturbate. I igged that urge for a GOOD minute, but needless to say, I gave in. And when I say I gave in, I mean I GAVE ALL THE WAY IN! *don’t ask for details, none are needed*

After I was “done”, I reflected on what had occurred. 1st I realized that I was still horny. I’ve never had a real orgasm from masturbating and I’m not sure why I thought it would change this time. But what was sad was that I had tried! Like full-out I said to myself, “Well if you gonna do this you gonna do everything so that you at least figure out if you can squirt or not…just go out with a bang”. I was intent on fulfilling this goal of orgasm, squirting, shivering, ANYTHING that told me I was satisfied. It didn’t happen….again.

My 2nd realization snowballed from my failed attempt. I was disappointed on so many levels. But mainly I was disappointed with myself. How did I let this happen? I already knew from past experiences what was going to happen. In all honesty, I got bored. The time and dedication it takes to orgasm is too much. It’s like prepping yourself for a full meal with guests and then settling for a snack with no one to enjoy it with. I hate it, always have, so why did I expect it to be different? It just amplifies the lonely feeling.

So now I realized my error. I knew what I was doing, knew the possible outcome but because I desired something sooo bad, I ignored what I knew. I mentally talked myself into what my body desired. Body: 1 Mind: 0.

While I have been successful in saying NO to myself about myself lately, I can’t say I haven’t been tempted, because I have. I didn’t realize that I touch myself out of habit until a few weeks ago. Usually, I do it while in bed so when I realize my hand is “down there”, I have to consciously say “No, you’re not going to rub your clit”, “Matter of fact, readjust your position and move your hand”. I’m proud to say it works. Body:1 Mind: 1

Everyday has been a personal win for me, so I thought I was good.  Thought I didn’t have to worry about wanting “real” sex because I’m single and let go of all the guys I was dealing with like that. There are no guys so no temptation; I’ll be good. WRONG…fast forward to last night.

…”Wyd?”…

I loathe those three letters. They usually lead to something not needed especially from a man. And these 3 letters happened to come from a “good friend”. We are friends, now, but we didn’t start off that way and that simple text made me question what was up.

Me: “I’m chilling waiting on a friend to call so we can meetup, wyd?”

…”Chilling too. Grab an overnight and come over”…

I paused, debated if I should even respond. But what scared me most was that I wanted to go. I mean it was only 7pm. I should be good right??? Like this my “homie”, we cool,  and he owes me a movie night anyway. Meanwhile a heat starts rising so I finally replied,

Me: ” Hmmm dunno if I should, don’t know if I’m strong enough for sleepovers.”

…”Strong enough?”…

Do I really have to say??!?! I don’t wanna! He should just get what I mean. Ugh this is already hard enough, I’m feeling horny and now I have to actually SAY why I can’t go over!!…

Me:”Mentally and physically, you know I’m abstaining so sleeping by penis may be too much for me, esp if I’ve had it before. I’m not used to being a good girl.”

…”Oh well I know you can be bad”…

Yeah don’t we all. And I proceed to think about how much fun Puerto Rico was… Should I change my mind and just go? He might just wanna hang, we cool. He knows where I am right now, we talked about it and he congratulated me…BAD FAITHE!!!! Stop trying to convince your mind! Ugh…

Me: Yeah and now you’re gonna know my good”

…”Okay that will work”…

Ok cool, it worked. I did it. Sheesh, I got that worked up from a text that said pack a bag?!?!? I mean it’s not like he said “come sit on my…” but regardless what his intentions were or might have been, I have to protect me from me before I can protect from others. I am weak.  I know I would have given up the goods (EASY lol) if I had gone. So that was just a reminder of how much further I have to go. One day at a time…

Body: 1 Mind: 2+++++

And dude, so about that movie,  um can we do like a Saturday morning and watch like a cartoon/comedy movie or something?!?!? I’ll make pancakes!