I f*cked up…

The truth is I haven’t known how to be grateful for this life. 

But it’s been my choice and I have regretted almost every moment of it. 

See I’ve often felt like a victim in my decision to follow Christ, wondering how well that decision has served me? Why? Because on the surface it seems like my life turned out to be more miserable now than it was before. Or so I thought. Maybe I’ve just been stuck looking at my past with rose colored glasses.

Here’s some current truths: I’m overweight, either shifting between unemployed or underemployed, in debt and have been battling depression, regret and anxiety (and maybe add in ADHD- my therapist told me to follow up for an official diagnosis, but clearly I’ve been avoiding it).

If you knew the details of the battles I’ve been facing lately, some of you may be filled with disdain, others would barely even blink an eye…because you know this life and this struggle all too well. And that’s who I’m talking to. People like me, with sordid pasts that don’t just go away because we decided to get saved, eat healthy, lose weight etc. 

It’s been hard trying to shed an identity that I felt helped me have confidence, power and protection. But how can you see yourself, until you can see? What I saw in myself is something I thought had died. “Guard your heart”, they said, so I ran with it. Blocking out any and everyone that I feared could hurt me. But this meant I left no room to love and I was ok with it because I thought it was temporary. I knew I was playing with fire,I just didn’t know it would take me this long to get burned.

But now I’m grateful because I know what I need to do. 

This is for the ones who got comfortable being called a hoe, a slut, a freak. I see you struggling, because I’m struggling too. But I refuse to live like this any longer, silent, watching and waiting for someone else to speak. I don’t only want to tell the story of who I used to be, I want to tell the story of who I am now and who I am becoming, flaws and all. 

This is my journey of finding Faith(e) in EVERYTHING. Will you join me?  

Mission: to explore every possibility of what it means to find faith(e) in everything, while empowering others to do the same