I didn’t want to lose control. I don’t want to lose control of me. That has been a HUGE fear of mine and honestly I thought I had progressed past this point. But I recognize something very clear- I think I like feeling stuck. Feeling dependent like I need a hand to not just guide me, but pull me along. I like being tethered to something- someone. It makes me feel secure. It’s comforting.
I’m fully aware that I have to learn to do things on my own, but I have had THE HARDEST time getting beyond my biggest enemy- myself.
I say it’s my depression and oftentimes it is. But then I find myself in a situation where I’m not depressed but then I’m also not motivated. Guess that’s what you call lazy. In those moments, I desire for someone to pull or push me out of my funk…and then do it again… and keep doing it!
That’s what happens in my Christian circles. When I’m dry, I hope I can get a high off of someone else’s encounter with Christ. Then, just maybe, I’d feel motivated to go into my own study, worship etc. Truth is that rarely happens.
Maybe if I changed the language that I use about myself I would start doing more. In my “keeping it real”, I cut myself down and my faith in my abilities begin to diminish. Then it’s no wonder why I can’t rely on the scriptures, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. I stop mid way, staying stuck on who I am, forgetting to look at who Christ is.
That’s it! That’s why I always feel less than or quit before I fail. I’ve become so accustomed to what I can’t do, that I forget that my God can do everything. So I don’t even give him the room to do a work in me. Instead I shut him out and tie his hands with my fears and complacency.
You know, I’ve had many Eureka! moments before in this walk. But even though my eyes are opened to a new truth and understanding, if I don’t stay in the source of that truth and understanding, then I’m prone to forget all that I have learned. And like a dog that returns to his vomit, I return to old mindsets, desires and fears.
It’s a horrible cycle. Yet it’s easily broken by Jesus…I just keep going back. Even if “it’s just a little lie, a little gossip, a little envy…a little lust.” No matter how little I say it is, it eventually becomes a big burden. And usually shame.
That’s how I ended up in this predicament. You know, sex before marriage, I was relying on the strength of Sean to tell me no. I didn’t want to be responsible for myself or even for him. But on the flip side, I knew I had the strength to resist, I just didn’t want to. I was tired of making boundaries and having to keep them. So in testing him, I tested myself. I chose to fail.
I don’t want to go back…I’m tired of going back, every day, every other day, every week, etc. Gossiping, lying, gluttony, lust, greed, etc. In some way shape or form, I take my eyes of Christ and look at myself and what I want everyday.
I know I’m still a sinner, but I don’t want to abuse God’s grace any more. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I don’t want to find out what’s on the other side of my disobedience because I already know: death. What I don’t take into consideration is that it may not only be me who dies.
I wonder how many deaths I’ve contributed to because I’m too lazy to get up and walk everyday or cook for my neighbors and those in need. I want to live a life where I’m repentant of even the “little” sins. The things I put off, the wisdom I dismiss, the forgiveness I don’t give, the self righteousness I promote.
I’ve messed up so much in my 3 years of being renewed in Christ. I haven’t made it and that’s not my goal. My goal is not to be perfect, but to be holy as Christ is holy. I want to believe everyday. Obey everyday. Repent everyday. Forgive everyday. Love everyday. So I guess I have to start with me:
I’m sorry for killing you silently, yet playing charades publicly.
I’m sorry for just telling you I love you, but not showing it.
I’m sorry for continuing to believe all the lies of the enemy, society and your flesh.
I’m sorry for making you feel as if who you are isn’t enough.
I’m sorry for calling you fat, while encouraging overeating and being lazy.
I’m sorry for keeping you physically & mentally stuck.
I’m sorry for lying to you and making you think that your worth came from how freaky/sexy you were.
I’m sorry for not encouraging you to nurture your strengths.
I’m sorry for comparing you to others.
I’m sorry for feeding off of gossip and not the word of God.
I’m sorry for getting offended when confronted with truth & genuine concern.
I’m sorry for making excuses… everyday.
I’m sorry for not trusting God, even though he hasn’t failed yet.
I’m sorry for putting myself first, it only leads to miserable destruction.
I’m sorry for making you put up walls to protect your feelings.
So, I guess if I want to get unstuck I have to let go of me. It’s something I’ll continue to learn how to do until I die, but one thing is certain- one day I’ma fly…