No Matter What

He told me he saw us married in a dream the first day he reached out to me in January. This was after he’d told me several things that lined up with what I’d prayed about before. Something in my heart knew he was telling the truth.

I need to clarify something: I’ve been lying to you all. I’ve been afraid to share my heart completely. There’s a truth that has been inside of me since I wrote that 1st relationship post. I just didn’t want to look stupid, like a schoolgirl. I was afraid of the questions, but this is the truth.

I absolutely love Sean (LaDarius) from the depths of my soul and I have faith that we will be united in marriage this year.

Whoa? Did I just say that?  Yeah, I did. And it’s true. I’m not just courting in possibility of marriage,  this is for marriage (this year). Buuutttt, didn’t ya’ll just get together? Yeah, lol. Soooo, why so quick to think about marriage? Because God has ordained it and I trust that. In order to explain more clearly,  I’ll have to rewind like 5/6 months.

It was Saturday prayer. I had many questions about this man God kept telling me to speak to. We weren’t together and I wanted to know why God wouldn’t let me walk away. So as I laid prostrate on the floor, I felt urged to write this in my notepad: I want you both to marry. But you must give it all to me. Let me lead. Pen & jaw dropped.

Then, I heard something else,  totally unrelated to the relationship, that I also wrote down. And I felt like God was asking me to say the last part out loud. “Nah. I’ll pass. I think I’m tripping cuz you couldn’t have told me this, esp if I just heard you say you wanted me to get married.” So I kept my mouth shut. I just knew I had made ALL that up.

But this burning, nagging feeling wouldn’t leave my heart, like there were words in my soul that needed to be spoken.  I questioned if I just wanted to say something to seem spiritually mature, like “yeah, God talks to me too” but I also hesitated at wondering if I would be chastised/rebuked if others thought what I was about to say was wrong.

But that feeling in the pit of my heart wouldn’t leave.  So I finally spoke up, “I believe the Lord is saying that He knows our hearts, but He desires to hear our voices.”

Almost immediately, you could feel the stiffness in the room break as women began to pray out loud, speaking boldly unto the Lord. It was such a refreshing moment to experience the Holy Spirit move among us.  After prayer ended, one of the young ladies told me how on point I because she felt God pulling on her to speak out loud and that she only felt comfortable to do it after I spoke out.

Sooo, while I was grateful that God confirmed that those were his words,  I was thinking in my head,  “Hold up! So that mean what you said before that is true too???”. “I gots ta be tripping or pulling for straws.”

At this point I was still telling him I was just being obedient to talk to him cuz God hadn’t told me anything else. So, I kept saying that, for at least a month. Then God told me to stop lying to him.

So I conceded, saying I would tell the truth…if he asked me how I felt about him. Finally, he asked, after I prodded for a long time (men really can’t take clues). But instead of just telling him what God said, I just told him that I liked him and that we were dating…buuutttt not in a relationship and no titles! I told him I couldn’t go from not liking him to all of a sudden being with him, and we needed to wait on God to tell us when we’d make it official (although I already knew I was supposed to be with him).

Weeks prior, I had already asked my dad if he would talk to him, so when he came in town it just made sense for them to meet…in my opinion. I also had him on the phone with one of my best friends. And had him around my niece and nephew.  Corvelle (nephew) kept calling him my boyfriend. At this point we still weren’t in a relationship, but he says he could sense something was changing. And they were. I knew I loved him then. But I wasn’t going to tell him that.

So, God kept nagging me about lying to him. Then one day while in the shower, two weeks after agreeing to date him, I heard the Lord say, “you’ll be married by the end of the year.” (I tend to add “probably”, well bc I’m human and just in case I’m tripping lol)

This had me going crazy.  Like Whaaatttt??? But,  somehow I felt peace, like it made sense. So when I talked to Sean on the phone, I asked him was he waiting on me to tell him that we were in the next phase. He said, “No, God will tell me that”.

And he pauses,  then says, “I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but the Lord told me, ‘Don’t hesitate to marry her‘”. Again, here was confirmation. And while I was overwhelmed with joy that I wasn’t alone in hearing it, I kept quiet.

That conversation was the night before I wrote my post about him.

So the reason I posted the 1st post about us wasn’t to tell my business, it was what God told me to do. To tell him how I felt. To accept his proposal. That’s why I’m all in, no matter what. I know who my husband is, and God had been preparing me for him this whole time. I knew all along.  I was just dragging my feet.

It’s taken a lot of prayer and submitting to God’s will, but I don’t need an engagement ring. I don’t need a bridal showers, big wedding, a perfect dress, venue etc. While all that is nice, all I really need is my God and my man. So no, I’m not explaining myself to anyone, just preparing you.

So don’t be surprised if I pop up married. I’m not pregnant. I’m not rushing and I’m not stupid or drunk off love. Nope, I am of sound mind and I’m not afraid to tell it like it is: Sean, I will marry you whenever the Lord says,  whether it be this year, next year or years from now. My heart is yours… now quit playing and start praying (& fasting) about when!! Lol.

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