I thought I was ok. I had handled everything so well. The peace I had that day made me feel so close to God like we were best friends. He was looking out for me. So when he told me to walk around my neighborhood that evening, I happily obliged.
It was something he had placed on my heart to do a long, loooonnnggg time ago and I had yet to obey. So, I didn’t want to disappoint him now. Not after he had done so much for me that day. I wound up walking, skipping, praying and singing in the rain. I had never felt so free in my worship before!
I imagined how it would be everyday, just walking and praising the Lord. Then the next day came, and the next day came and it got harder and harder to get out the house and just walk. I didn’t have that same joy. I didn’t have that same peace. I started to feel depressed.
In fact, I was. Everything became harder to do. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t focus on work. Just wanted to find something to distract me from the ever growing lump in my throat. My heart was hurting.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. So I kept quiet. Kept postponing the original blog I was supposed to post the same day everything happened. Kept questioning if God was really telling me to stay or if I was.
Found myself angry that he had sex and I was still celibate, angry that he lied, angry that I was hurt, angry that I felt stuck like I couldn’t walk away. I recalled how his mom asked me, “I know you know what God wants, but what do you want?”; I couldn’t answer.
Went to my counselor and she basically asked the same thing. Again, no reply. I remember feeling offended when she told me I didn’t have to stay and to remember that I can’t change a person.
I wasn’t trying to change him, that’s God’s job. I knew that. But then, I started wondering, who can really change in 30 days??? What happens if he’s still the same after 30 days, do I stay or leave? Etc, etc, etc. My head was all over the place with concern.
It was bad enough that my dad told me that he thought I was rejecting him. I was so irritated, I wanted to write a blog to him telling him to man up and fight whatever lies the enemy was speaking. But, wisdom was used because it made no sense to address him publicly through a blog if I wasn’t woman enough to contact him personally.
I wasn’t woman enough, so I said nothing. Even when God told me to cover him in prayer, I resisted. Still upset and not wanting to acknowledge my feelings, I knew if I prayed for him, I would have to admit I wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to do it. So again, my emotions were everywhere.
But finally one day, I prayed for him. Interceded on his behalf, covering him from deceptions and saying how I wanted him. After I did that, I kept getting urges from the Holy Spirit to reach out to him. But instead, I would use my father as the middle man.
Then something happened. So when the Holy Spirit pressed on me to call him, once again I argued: “I’m not fighting over him!”. Holy Spirit replied, “no, you’re fighting FOR him. For his soul”. He showed me how in my resistance I still had been leaving him open; vulnerable to attacks.
It was this crazy realization of how much I played a role in his walk with Christ. I couldn’t continue to let him fight alone. So I called, leaving a voicemail. I apologized because God had shown me how I hadn’t allowed him to be broken, vulnerable, and transparent.
No, instead I had told him over and over again of how he wasn’t my type. How he needed to be spiritually mature. How many issues he had that needed to be fixed. Like I had it all together myself. I was still sniffing the kool-aid of the perfect ideal “Christian” relationship, the ideal Christian man.
That’s not him. That’s not us. We’re flawed. Tremendously so. And I love it this way. It keeps us humble and raw before God and each other. We’re fighters. Breaking traditions, breaking the norm, breaking our strongholds; together. Forever. My teddy bear, I got you and I love you.
So welcome to our crazy world where nothing is perfect but God himself, who found us worthy enough to bring us together to be lights for him in this crazier world.
Sometimes you have to get dirty in order to get clean…
*** I’m trying to catch ya’ll up so I can get back on track with what I’m supposed to be doing currently.