It’s taken me 2 weeks to gather my thoughts on how to address this. Restless nights, sluggish days, and many, many questions; and yet I still have no explanation that will keep me from looking desperate, crazy or plain stupid. But after dropping such a bold confession the other week, I guess it only makes sense to follow up on it.
It only took 15mins after that post for my potential fairytale to become a complete nightmare. The phone rang. A text was sent. And a nauseating feeling came to the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t face the music of reality at that moment, so I prayed. “Let the drama begin”, I casually said, afterall, the Lord said that there would be nothing she could tell me that He had not already equipped me to handle.
So, I called her back. His ex. Someone I know (He’s not the stranger I prayed for- our pasts intersects in many ways). But this was someone who I kept inquiring about, concerned that it may be awkward. Didn’t realize exactly how awkward it would be…she told me they slept together. Recently. Like in the past 3 days recent.
And I immediately believed her. How? Because a wave of peace came over me as I juggled the information. And I heard the Holy Spirit say, “This doesn’t take away what I told you, bring him to me (santification)”. That threw me. Like Whaaatttt??? So you saying he gets to sleep with someone and I get told to stay??? Then I heard, “This ain’t no fairytale, remember?”
But God! That’s really not fair! I’m obedient and surrendered. He’s the one acting up and I’m the one suffering?!? So the Holy Spirit questioned me, “so, what you thought as soon as you gave in, it was gonna be easy?” I exclaimed, “well, YEAH!!!”.
Isn’t that how the story is supposed to go? Boy pursues girl. Girl is resistant. They become friends instead. Boy (Holy Spirit led) wears down girls walls. They begin to court. Ahhhhh, surprise engagement! Awwwww, beautiful God centered wedding. Then ministry and babies. And they lived happily ever after; keeping Christ first, proclaiming their story as a testimony to how God is the perfect matchmaker.
Now, mind you there are some issues in the between stages, but those aren’t on the highlight reel, so they don’t make much impact. Instead, you get the edited version- the part that glosses up “what God has brought together”.
From this story outline template, most Christian women have sniffed the kool-aid and manufactured this ideal Adam/Boaz list. We conveniently label them as our standards. So we chat with our other sisters in Christ and discuss how mature our future husbands will be, because we need a leader.
I have nothing against wanting a leader. By ALL MEANS I want to be led by my husband spiritually! But what happens if he’s not there yet, and God still desires for you to marry him? Some may say that’s impossible, but I advise you to actually talk to some married couples- and not just the ones you stalk on instagram.
There’s a LOT of mature women who “think” their husband is not as spiritually mature. Why? Well because they don’t always show the depth of their relationship with Jesus the way we do or expect to see it. But it’s there. And it’s firm. And it’s growing. And it’s vulnerable. *There is a HUGE distinction between a man of God and a man of the world. In no way am I supporting union with someone not in the Lord.
As I was saying, when I found myself complaining about my situation, I saw just how messed up I was in my heart. For a moment, I wanted to use this as an example of how this couldn’t be for me, bc the man of God the Lord has for me would never be this weak. In that moment, I was ready to walk away.
But when I think about God’s grace & mercy for me, who am I to not apply it freely to everyone as God commands??? So this intense wave of peace flowed over me as I forgave him, before I even spoke to him.
Where does that leave me now? In God’s hands, where I started this journey. That fact doesn’t change. Everything else might, but regardless, I still trust the Lord. Even at the risk of looking crazy, I trust the Lord.
The bomb dropped, but it didn’t shatter me.
*to be continued…