Yeah, that’s it! But I’m holding out for Mr. Right. That one who can rescue me from my despair. When he comes, I’ll be so content. I’ll have no problem opening up to him. We’ll be best friends. We’ll talk about everything and date in public. I won’t have to hide my feelings for him or convince myself that I don’t care about him. I will proudly display that we are together, letting everyone know that I’m no longer alone…this heart is occupied. – originally written Feb 14, 2014
Bwahahahahaha ahahahahaha!!!! Looking back, I can’t believe I wrote these words just last year! Like seriously?!?!?! I see why I didn’t post this. Holy Spirit must have given me some wisdom to NOT post this as is. It was unfinished, because it’s completely wrong…I was sniffing the Christian fairytale kool-aid.
Yes, ME. Level headed, mature, blunt, chill Faithe was addicted to dreaming about this perfect man of God that would be everything I prayed for…immediately. This gift of a man would be wrapped finely and presented in such a way that I wouldn’t want to run from it because I would be so sure.
That’s soooo not how life works.
I ran from you. Hard and fast because you just couldn’t be the one. I didn’t want you to be the one. I wanted my fairytale. My perfect prince that met all my standards. To me, you only had a floor. I was looking for a house.
All I wanted to have to do was come into the house and decorate it. You know, just spruce it up. Never imagined I would play a key part in building your house. So when the Lord said, “bring him to Me”. I was pissed! Why weren’t you already there?!?! I rationalized that God wouldn’t send me an incomplete man. Not my perfect Jesus.
But I couldn’t understand how you got the approach so right, like you heard my prayers. Figured the devil was trying to trick me; get me off track spiritually. Or that you were stalker. Either way, I wasn’t having that! So, you had to go!
I know the Lord speaks to me, but I just knew my reception had to be down or damaged, because deep down I knew the truth- you were him.
But instead of accepting it I debated and said to myself, “maybe you just lonely”, “but he did come correct, this is what you prayed for” “but what if I’m just tired of being single?”, “I am 30-and still want kids”, “I mean, he is in church-but what if he a charlatan?”, “but why I can’t have the super saved, fine, sexy, athletic man of my dreams??? What I do wrong? Everyone else got theirs!”
Yep. I compared you not only to my dream, but to others. And no, you didn’t match up. So again, I was content to walk the other way. But God wouldn’t let me forget what he said: “Bring him to me.”
I argued with God that I shouldn’t have to bring anyone to him and it was all out of order. I knew it was a set up. I knew in order to bring anyone to the Lord that meant we had to communicate. If we talked that would mean I’d have to get to know you. If I got to know you that would mean I’d probably wind up liking you. Total set up.
But eventually, I relented because God just wouldn’t let up! You know how that went down lol. The entire time I was fighting it. When you shared stuff I prayed for it pissed me off more. When the Lord revealed areas you were weak in; I was furious. Not just at you and your spiritual flaws, but because I knew he was gonna make me tell you what he showed me- and you would like me more! I didn’t want to be your mirror! I wanted permission to be out. But no matter what, it never came. Even though you offered it to me yourself, God never released me from you.
Oh wow, as I write this, the Lord is showing me that “bring him to me” was not a command of salvation, like you were below me spiritually. Instead it was a responsibility he gave to me for your santification. Something that never ends. After all, isn’t that what couples are supposed to do?
That’s right, I said couple. You said you had a dream that I would embarrass you publicly. Maybe it was because I wrote this:
LaDarius Sean Jones, I accept you. I accept this. I’m not running anymore. I’m not afraid. I don’t care what others think or will say. I serve Jesus and I trust him and what he has for me. Thank you for being bold and fearless. Thank you for accepting me completely (I know I’m difficult). Thank you for being you, flaws and all.
I do want you to be my best friend. My confidente. My spiritual leader. My boo. And eventually, my husband. I do. That is what scares me the most: I actually do want to marry you. Real talk. I am ready for love: your love.
I can’t believe I did this! How’s this for transparency??? Lol. Don’t you dare call me yet, I need time for the weight of this public confession to settle on me. And don’t gloat either.