This was me exactly May 21st, 2014, last year. This was when I realized how much weight I had lost. I was down around 30 pounds. I was so proud that I had to make a social media post to let everyone know how God had restored me to be able to love myself enough to lose weight.
Truth is, I lied. While yes, my choosing to follow Christ was a huge factor in trying to lose weight, it wasn’t the main motivation. I didn’t want to feel/look fat in pictures. God just happened to be a great way to wrap and present my triumphant accomplishment.
I knew I was lying when I posted it. I knew nothing in my heart had changed. I knew this weight loss would not last. I had already determined that as soon as I could fit in my dress, I would go eat whatever I wanted and work out only when I felt like it.
Truth is, I had already abandoned the regimens I was supposed to be on. While I had to work out regularly (because my friend/trainer would be on my tail) I secretly over indulged when my cravings came. Like I said before, I’m a binge eater. So while I said I was different… I lied.
And the weight came back. I hate it. And I hate myself for allowing it to come back. Like why couldn’t I just stick to working out and eating right? What’s wrong with me? When will I ever really change?
But yet, in my depression, I sit around and eat & sleep more. And I make excuses to go out to eat. What friends don’t realize is that, even after I’m full, I continue to eat. I know I should stop, but I can’t help but try to eat more. Usually to the point of me getting stuffed and sometimes sick.
That’s around the time my body reacts. Either I get heartburn, acid reflux etc. I’ll even binge on ice cream telling myself, “it keeps me regular”.
So the point of this entry is to finally tell the truth. I’m a serious emotional overeater. I binge on snacks. I desire to work out but can barely get in the shower or get out the bed/off the couch. And any weight loss is only temporary until the root is healed: me.
So while I used God as the reason for my transformation, I owe him an apology because I knew it wouldn’t last…and God isn’t in the business of temporary fixes. When he heals you, he heals you AND strengthens you to be able to resist temptations. I don’t have that ability, because I didn’t go to the source for my healing.
I’m at the point where if I do anything it has to be for the Lord. Not for compliments, good pictures or to look nice in a dress. I don’t want to do anything for me. Not anymore, because the praises of people did nothing to sustain my weight loss, my eating habits or my depression.
I’m over ya’ll lol. I’m over me. I give up. This is transparency.