It Was All a Dream

Soooo let’s talk about what I did on Monday. I had fun!

A friend of mine posted on IG how she needed a makeup model last Friday.  Well, I volunteered because I love makeup. Our schedules conflicted for Friday, so we agreed to get up Monday.

Something in my spirit urged me to get my camera. I literally debated leaving it, like walking out the door purposely leaving it, only to turn around and grab it. This was going to be one of the most random and exciting things I’ve done in a while, so I couldn’t miss the opportunity to capture it.

So, while I had nowhere to go, I totally prepped for this day of pampering. I braided my hair, scrubbed and moisturized my face- even extracted a blackhead. I wanted to make the best of this experience and made sure I was prepared for whatever. And out the door I went with all my “photoshoots necessities” – camera, tube top, clean face, hair neat etc.

Those little choices allowed me to have a great hair and makeup photoshoot. Why is this important?   Because I’m going through depression. 

No,  I haven’t been professionally diagnosed. So how do I know in depressed? I’ve been here before.  That’s my little secret. I’ve always suffered from depression, but I never told anyone.  Although, I’m sure people could see the signs,  especially during my last year of college.

But I tend to think I’ve masked it pretty well. Back in the day,  I partied, smoked, drank etc,  all while in my depression. But since I’m saved,  I can’t do that.  So I stay at home.  Alone. Doing nothing.  Either awake but stuck in my bed, or sleeping the day away- not bothering to shower.

So Monday was a breath of fresh air for me.  I felt like myself again.  Can’t even believe how tempted I was to cancel and go back to sleep. But I’m glad I resisted.  I needed the reminder that not only am I talented, but I’m desired- flaws and all.

I recall looking at myself and saying, “girl you are beautiful!”. Like,  I don’t compliment myself enough and shy away from other people’s praises for fear of being conceited. But I’m realizing by doing that,  I’m punishing myself.

I block my growth not feeling talented enough,  pretty enough,  skinny enough,  wealthy enough,  popular enough,  saved enough,  delivered enough,  etc. In my head,  nothing about my life is right. But then I beat myself up for thinking these thoughts, because there are others who have it worse than me. 

It’s an ugly cycle that didn’t get any better after salvation.  It got worse because I can no longer ignore it. I want to work on it, but then feel overwhelmed by the thought of that as well. I want to call my therapist, but somehow keep forgetting or making excuses that she’s too far away right now to help. So many excuses.

Yeah, I don’t think this post is going to be inspirational.  It’s just my truth that most times I wish was only a dream. But this is me.